I was raised by a narcissist who I felt never treated me as an individual person, just wanted me to obey everything so this person could feel good about itself. As a typical narcissist, it believes nothing is its fault, everything I do is wrong, except for when I do exactly as it wants. I never felt any love from it whatsoever. (I use it to put some distance and have some privacy. I don’t want you to know who it is.)
But this is not yet another post to complain. This post is about something seldom discussed: if you’re raised by a narcissist, then chances are, you are a narcissist too.
I know I sure was.
You Don’t Know How to Genuinely Care about People
Your narcissistic parent never cares about you. She blames you, makes excuses, tells half-hearted apologies. As the result, you never learned how to care about people at all.
Or screw it, I know nothing about you, all I know is myself.
So let me tell you what a narcissist I was (or am), and you tell me if you feel the same.
I Don’t Know What a Genuine Apology Is
To me, apology is a way to stop those annoying blames. It’s a way to say “yes yes I’m wrong. Okay? You satisfied? Now stop blaming me for this thing that I did.”
It’s never sincere.
I don’t believe there is a thing as a sincere apology.
All apologies are manipulation, yet another way to subtly tell someone how little you care about him, exactly when he is complaining about how you hurt him. What an amazing weapon! The best part is, on the surface, it seems like I have just showed how much I cared about him, so no one could blame me for this.
This is what I always believed.
Imagine how bewildered I am when I learned that people can actually apologize because they really feel sorry for your feeling hurt.
I Don’t Know Tears Can Be Real
Tears are great weapons too. It’s a way to blame somebody without even saying a word, silently it says “it’s all your fault.”
Just like any emotional outbursts, it’s a way to use guilt to drive someone to do what you want. Cry, accuse, make a scene, get angry, break stuffs, the more dramatic, the better. Now everybody knows who is to blame now, and God curse him if he doesn’t do as I want!
I’m once again bewildered when I learned that people could actually cry for you without trying to make you do anything for them, just because they feels hurt for what you’ve done, or sad for your pains.
It’s world-changing and paradigm-shifting to me. What a pity soul I am.
I Only Care about Me and What I Want
I’m not used to give or get gifts. I’m not used to help someone without seeking returns. There has to be a reason, or else it doesn’t make sense. For God’s sake, what does “just want to help” mean? How does it feel like?
How could someone give you something just because she wants to? What does receiving such a gift feel like? It’s such an alien thing.
The Real Problem
We who raised by narcissists never learned how to love. We never felt loved. We never learned how to care about anyone, and we never learned to care about other people’s feelings, or how to respect people. We don’t even know what respect is.
This, my friend, is more serious a problem to us as an adult. What your parent has done to you is nothing. What mean, heartless, hurting thing he has said to you is nothing. What’s really horrible is that you have never learned how to love, and you could always feel this hollowness and loneliness in yourself. You are always bleeding, always wanting to feel loved, to feel appreciated. This pain drives you to prey on others, you wish somebody else — usually your partner — could satisfy your needs. You will try to control them, you will ignore their needs, wants, and feeling. This, my friend, is what’s horrible, that the wounds left by your narcissistic parent make you become the kind of monster that you hate the most.
It’s always the victim that becomes another abuser. It’s always the victim.
The solution is not to find someone to love you, the solution is to learn to love. And once you have learned to give love, love will fill your heart, even if you don’t receive it from someone else.
What’s always missing is the part of yourself that’s capable of giving and receiving love.